Saturday, 24 October 2009

watching the clock

This week has been a little tricky. I celebrated my birthday on Monday and I mourned my Dad on Friday. I'm not very good at all this emotional stuff. I'm a bottler, covering my true feelings with a thick layer of dark humour and grudging acceptance. This results in a general glass-half-full view of life and others and random explosive episodes of trauma and tears which only one other person ever gets to see.
As I have turned 42 this year (the meaning of life, you know), I have decided that I am going to stop this unhealthy behaviour and find ways to deal with these emotions in a calmer and more positive way.
It's been a year since Dad died and I have spent much of the year waiting for various anniversaries and timely reminders of him to come and go. We ate fish and chips and played cards last night. Tonight I am going to have a very large vodka and tonic in his honour whilst watching 'Strictly'. Tomorrow, Granny is going to rustle up a Sunday dinner in her new house up the road whilst we help build cupboards, do a bit of upholstery and take a stroll in the fields.
It's time to look forward.


Brown Dog said...

Oh golly - I'm so sorry. I sort of had it at the back of my mind that the anniversary might be about now. I bet the last thing you needed was some insensitive, disorganised clot landing her 11-year-old on you, then coming round to snarf all the biscuits. Large V&T and strictly sounds like just the thing.

I guess everybody deals with these things in their own way, and there's no right or wrong. You must do what you feel comfortable with. Must be difficult for Granny, too, despite her new beginnings. Bet she'll really appreciate your company tomorrow.


Only Me said...

I do think that the first year is the hardest and like LBD says there is no right or wrong way - your way is fine.
I still, 17 years on, have to write my Dad's birthday in the diary, it wouldn't be right not to.
Enjoy that V&T. xx

Georgina said...

I usd to think that keeping a tight rein on my emotions was somehow 'strong', but I now think it takes far more courage to acknowledge your sadness and pain, but in the long run is the healthiest way to go - and I say Hear Hear!! to your plans to raise a V&T to your Dad.

josephine said...

i know exactly how you feel, as i am the same way about bottling up my feelings. take good care of yourself and best wishes for the future :)

pinkfairygran said...

Everyone deals with grief in their own way, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to handle it. But the 'firsts' are very hard, been there and done that more times than I care to recall so can relate somewhat to how you feel.

Gill said...

I led a charmed life, not really understanding how it felt to lose someone dear until five years ago. Though it's still hard, I can now find comfort in remembering, marking special days and most specially, allowing myself a bit of space to feel miserable from time to time. Like you, I can't share these things - I wrap them all around me like a metaphorical blanket and find a funny kind of comfort in doing just that.

Belated birthday wishes from another October girl too.