It's Tuesday. It's sunny. I'm still coughing.
I've been coughing since Thursday. I coughed in Stroud, I coughed in Chippenham, I coughed on the way to Bristol Airport and I've coughed in most of the quietest restaurants and shops in southwest France over the weekend.
I went to France to see J and to make sure she was OK. I didn't need to check on her really, I knew she would be strong and resilient despite the circumstances. What I really went for was to make myself feel better by checking on her and G and N. The result? I do feel better - thanks for asking.
I also feel that, now, it's time to stop wittering, get on with grieving and celebrate the living that there is all around me. I can see how people can be drawn into a kind of comfort with grief. It's tempting to spend a lot of time thinking about it, experiencing it and feeling the sense of loss that comes with it. Losing someone is terrible, there's no doubt and there aren't that many times during life that we really experience such strong feelings.
There's falling in love, there's falling out of love, there's giving birth, there's near death experiences - I can't really think of any other life events that can really shake a person that much. Of course, there's all the short-attention-span stuff - the successes, the failures, a job well done but there's nothing quite like the death of someone you love to, as J said at the weekend, 'pull you up' and make you sit and take notice.
The strong feelings and emotions death stirs can take over. Those feelings and emotions dominate the hours. They can strike at any time. If ordinary life and tasks want to take over they're quickly dismissed by a second's acknowledgement of the recent loss.
At the same time it's almost energising to feel such strong emotions. I can feel myself reacting more strongly to all sorts of things - colours are more vibrant, I'm terrified of oncoming traffic, I see accidents everywhere, I'm sensitive to noise, I don't sleep - I have 12 hour comas.
I have to remember though, that it's only me that's having these uber-feelings. I also have to remember that I do, actually, need to get on with the rest of my life that isn't bound up with loss and grief and sorrow. What I need to do is look after myself and my family and make sure that they are OK. I need to look outwards again.
So....this is my last post on the subject of me and my feelings.
I've decided that from this blog forth, I shall be writing about other stuff, stuff that interests me, stuff of note, stuff of life.
Normal service will resume.