Tuesday, 17 July 2007

Will anyone notice?

If anyone was reading this blog, I’d be worried. 3 days without a post. That’s not good. I have excuses. My stress levels are sky high. They were elevated by a full-on weekend spent with in-laws who hadn't been in the same room for over 15 years. We managed though. No-one got cross. A breakthrough.

I'm also on the big countdown to finishing work which I thought would be relaxing and just a case of tying up a few loose ends. It is not. It's now 4am and I'm sat up worrying, wittering and bothering. My stars said I shouldn’t worry too much this week but it’s too late. I am worrying and I can’t stop.

I’ve got budgets to sort out, meetings to go to of all varieties (work and voluntary), a festival to get organised for and piles of paper and things I haven’t done surrounding me at every turn. The kids trainers have fallen apart, I can’t quite work out when we’re going to be able to get some new ones and the house is a tip.

I’m trying to remain rational, telling myself that by this time next week, all will be resolved, everything will have happened as it will. I have been working part-time for the last twoyars and it has been a drain on my mental health. I can spend hours, niggling about tiny little errors or potential problems, resolving nothing and sending my adrenalin levels sky high. Since working, I’ve put on a stone and a half (driving and stress), have had trouble sleeping (never before experienced) and am consistently bad tempered. The kids’ school uniforms have holes in and the little things that I used to find so easy have been pushed way down on the list so that I can obsess about whether I’ve sent an email to the wrong person or not.

If I was running a multinational company, I could understand this attention to detail but I’m not. My stress is down to my unfailing lack of self-confidence and belief. If I change only one thing before I'm 40, it's my chronic self-sabotage. If anyone else was doing what I'm doing, I'd tell them to stop.

I'm going to catch some sleep now so that I can function tomorrow. Work, volunteering, governing, working and volunteering again - that will be my day.

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