Thursday, 19 July 2007

making my mind up

It’s decision time and, apart from mopping up midnight vomit when the kids are ill, decision making is one of my least favourite activities.

I am a natural compromiser. Eldest child. Libran. Child of divorced parents. Keeping the peace has become as much a part of me as my eyelids. It’s a given.

Here is the quandary – do what I’ve always wanted to do and commit some real time to writing, creating, developing some business ideas OR compromise and accept one of the vague job offers that are circulating around me from my existing employer. The money, although not sublime, is acceptable and welcome. There are parts of my work that I enjoy – the creativity, the variety and some of the people I work with.

The impact of work, however, has been fairly negative on many other aspects of my life.

I eat odd things at odd times.
I have no energy/time to exercise.
All the things I love doing are slowly being replaced by doing things I have to do to get paid.
I am tired.
My preferred position at home is on one of two sofas.
I don’t sleep sometimes.
I never get chance to garden properly.
I’ve lost the joy I usually get from cooking.
I see everything in relation to time and how little I have of it.

I have been reading ‘How to be Free’ by Tom Hodgkinson, he of ‘Idler’ fame. It’s now 1.30am because I’ve been revising chapters such as ‘stop working, start living’ and ‘say no to guilt and free your spirit’. Having read it, I understand now that, deep down, I am an anarchist. A 40-year-old, overweight, dry-skinned, tetchy anarchist but an anarchist at heart. Can you tell I’m rather pleased?

I downloaded 17 pages of activities and jollifications that are due to take place at the Port Eliot festival I’m going to on Friday. Despite my ingrained terror of being overwhelmed by the trendiness of it all, I’m looking forward to it. My neighbour has also been kind enough to provide all sorts of essential equipment and a list of other items to take. I feel like I’m being packed off to college. I think she’s a little concerned I might not come back.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Anachist sounds great! Go with it. Tetchy - I'm sure you're not.

Please return from the festival - I want to hear all about tents, wellies and soggy sleeping bags - oh yes and music and literature - I'm looking forward to the next instalment.

Back to sterilising baby bottles for me - bringing back all sorts of memories. Very cute baby visiting but I'm very, very glad I got through all this 6 years ago!